AIBU to be cross with DP?

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AIBU to be cross with DP?

Post  sunset30 on Wed May 27, 2009 10:10 am

I am so angry and upset with DP it's unbelieveable.

It's all about college. When I applied for the PhD I asked him, was he sure we could afford it - yes, don't worry.

Every time it comes time to renew and send in my fees, is he sure we can afford it? Yes don't worry.
When he CHOSE to quit his job (which is fair enough as it made him so unhappy) and we were without income for 6 months, is he sure we can afford me to continue at college? Yes, don't worry.

NOW, when I am finally getting confident enough to believe I could do it, and I have to do my Thesis OUtiline Approval Panel in the next few weeks (it's when they agree my topic finally and allow me to start on the actual research), We don't have enough money for it, and I can't do it anymore.

Turns out he thought I was just talking about getting the research qualification (which I SHOULD get, barring rewrites, anyway now) BUT WHY would I apply for the PhD with no intention of doing it?

The post graduate certificate in research is totally separate from my PhD - so, different (but useful) work, different assignments etc. I have been working on BOTH, and he can't see that I should feel that my PhD work will be wasted and I will a) NEVER qualify for my doctorate, which I REALLY wanted to do and b) OF COURSE it will feel like a failure to me, THAT'S the course I signed up for AND c) I really thought my research topic was an important one, and I WANTED to find out the answers to my research question.

It's a sensitive thing for me. I was pulled out of my prep school for lack of money and it turned my life upside down,a dn I really believe was the beginning of a LOT of problems for me. I SWORE I would never let the SAME thing happen again, that's why I checked and checked with him all the time, can we afford it? I am currently sitting here crying my eyes out, cos I really feel like EVERYONE I know has ZERO respect for my work, my ambitions and my dreams. Working hard for this, and ACHIEVING it was the thing that would make me feel like I hadn't wasted all those bad years, and would prove that I COULD apply myself and do something worthwhile, and succeed. Instead, it's EXACTLY the same as before, and I will just NEVER prove any of those things, because they are not true.

He doesn't even understand why I would be upset about it!

My parents did this to me and fucked up my life - now I am going to be married to someone who cares just as little as they do. Stringing me along until I believe I am an able, capable person, who CAN do and achieve, and then taking it all away so I can see AGAIN that I am none of those things.

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Re: AIBU to be cross with DP?

Post  Henri on Wed May 27, 2009 10:37 am

There are two answers to this.

One, you are not being even the teeniest, tiniest, ever-so-slightest bit unreasonable to feel how you do and to be angry at him. He is your husband, he of all people in the universe should understand why this is important to you and why you are so devastated. Instead of acting as though you have no right to be upset he SHOULD be working with you to find ways you CAN afford to do your PhD.

On the other hand, and this totally does NOT invalidate how you're feeling, but is a big question, why was there such a massive mis-communication in the first place? Was it something you just asked him but never sat down and actually talked through with him properly, drew up a budget and a finance plan for etc, or does he have a great deal of wax in his ears and just didn't hear you when you talked to him about it? If it's the former, you have part responsibility for his misunderstanding, BUT that still doesn't excuse his reaction or make yours any less valid. If it's the latter, chop his balls off, he needs a lesson learning.
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Re: AIBU to be cross with DP?

Post  Jeliwobble on Wed May 27, 2009 5:13 pm

Ach, hon...

You aren't being unreasonable, really. You can't help feeling the way that you're feeling. That's you. He should know that. I do think he's being a bit manipulative though. Maybe he likes you vulnerable. He can take care of you then. If you're being all strong and successful, you might run off and leave him on his own. This definitely has more to do with his own insecurities than yours. You really do know the money is there and you know he's being unreasonable but you think you're being unreasonable instead, because that's easier to deal with.

Personally, if it were me, I would tell him that it's already applied for and if he can't afford it, then you'll have to get a loan from somewhere and arrange to pay it back when you've done your course and got a job. Of course, you wouldn't be doing this if you were concerned about making sure he'd be comfortable in his retirement...

*waves at cu2*

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Re: AIBU to be cross with DP?

Post  sunset30 on Wed May 27, 2009 5:53 pm

LOL Jo - he says he doesn't want to use this forum anymore - he doesn't like it - hence posting!

NOW he says he NEVER said he could afford the research, he can only afford the fees. It's my fault, I should have explained that there is NO POINT paying teh fees if I can't do the research - one is worthless without the other. I just thought that as the holder of a doctorate he might have grasped that bit.

I feel like crap about it all - I wish I had never started, cos NOW I need to look for some kind of job that means I won't get to spend time with J, and WILL have to find him a nursery place cos I KNOW I have to support the WHOLE family in a few years, and the longer my break from the world of work is, the lower my starting salary will be when I go back - ESPECIALLY as the post grad cert in research will NOT get me a better job that I can actually do.

I went to the gym this am - there were endorphins, but now, having had him tell me AGAIN that it's all because of what I thought and how I see things and the way I put how I FEEL as something important.

So, I don't need anyone else to tell me any more. If I want to make a go of this relationship - which is more important than my future, cos it is about J, then I have to accept that I AM unreasonable, and I am not supposed to achieve anything that hasn't been SPECIFICALLY sanctioned IN MINUTE DETAIL by him.

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Re: AIBU to be cross with DP?

Post  Henri on Wed May 27, 2009 10:22 pm

Oh love Sad
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Re: AIBU to be cross with DP?

Post  sunset30 on Wed May 27, 2009 11:45 pm

I have also noticed that he is talking about what HE can afford again. EVERYTIME I feel bad about something and say I won't do this or that cos it's his money, he says, no it's our money, but, I guess it really is his, and that's how he feels.

I have had a lng talk about how HE feels about his communicative ability tonight - he cannot talk about this, as EVERY TIME I try, he is just either "not hearing" or says "I don't want to say anything that will make you lose your temper"

it's not important
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Re: AIBU to be cross with DP?

Post  phoenix on Thu May 28, 2009 1:10 pm

Of course it's important!

I don't know all the ins and outs but this doesn't sound good. You are NOT being unreasonable at all, and you are allowed to do things that haven't been planned by your DP.

You really want to do your doctorate. He has his, he knows how much you must want this. You need to try to find other avenues to pay for it, whether state grant, loan, sponsorship, whatever. You should do what makes you happy, and what is best for you long term.

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Re: AIBU to be cross with DP?

Post  Moomin76 on Thu May 28, 2009 6:40 pm

I agree wholeheartedly with Phoenix. Don't give up on it yet. There might well be another way to achieve your dream. YANBU in wanting to do something that is so important to you and that will ultimately improve your family's future. It sounds like you and dp have been talking it through since your op and that's the best that can come out of this now so that such misunderstandings are avoided in the future.
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Re: AIBU to be cross with DP?

Post  sunset30 on Sat May 30, 2009 11:30 pm

After a brief costing exercise, I have proved that the bit he ws wiffling on about was a SMALL amount. So I am doing my best at the mo to keep going, the confidence knock is the biggest damage, cos I just don't know that I could manage anyway.

Oh, and college have surpassed themselves in the crappy admin stakes - I just got an e mail dated 28th May - telling me that I was right and I only owe them HALF the tuition they charged me in MARCH - and they will send me a new invoice - My reply was that since they cashed the cheque for the full amoutn, they can send an invoice that shows they ahve recieved it, and a refund for nealt a grand please!!! it's awful, it really is - that grand would cover nearly ALL of the bit of money we needed for the research costs (which only amount to a dictaphone, some printed questionnaires and several train tickets!

I feel a bit better now

That and some extra information I have
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Re: AIBU to be cross with DP?

Post  Henri on Sun May 31, 2009 11:32 am

YAY!
Boo for crappy college admin (jesus, how irritating of them!) but yay for getting some money back soon and getting to carry on with your research.

As for your confidence, why not consider US your own personal cheerleading team? I'm pretty sure we all believe you should be doing this, and that you CAN do this. Maybe get J a t-shirt to toddle around in that says 'My mummy kicks ass/bottom/bum' (delete as appropriate)!

You just need to keep going, work through the confidence knock, and doodle pictures of you stabbing DP in the eye with a dictaphone. You CAN do this. You CAN. Try to remember how you felt before, and why. List your achievements and triumphs and remember how it felt at the time. Imagine how amazing it will feel to get your PhD.

It's all just bumps in the road, love. Bumps in the road, but the road doesn't stop, does it?
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Re: AIBU to be cross with DP?

Post  sunset30 on Sun May 31, 2009 12:51 pm

THANK YOU!
I feel so lucky to have people who are even virtual strangers looking out for me, I don't deserve it, but you're always so great!
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