AIBU to be annoyed at how others give support?

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AIBU to be annoyed at how others give support?

Post  Moomin76 on Wed May 06, 2009 9:18 pm

This has bugged me for years, but I don't know if it's just me....... I regularly see people responding to their fellow forum members by starting "I've no advice on this because I've never experienced it, but......" Am I the only one who sees that statement and think it's like rubbing the op's nose in it? I know that is not the intention, but I just can't help feeling that it's as good as saying "I'm so lucky that I've never had to suffer that". AIBU to think it's insensitive?
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Re: AIBU to be annoyed at how others give support?

Post  northern soul on Wed May 06, 2009 9:22 pm

LOL no you are not as that often bugs me....its rude...

I also find it rude when someone says what their child has done and people comment and cant help adding what their child has done also....especially if the OP has said their child can count to 5 and next poster says theirs can count to 7 ...saw that on my old BB once and cringed as I just felt it unneccesary to add.....almost sounded braggy...so no YANBU...

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Re: AIBU to be annoyed at how others give support?

Post  Anybugger on Wed May 06, 2009 9:57 pm

I can't say I've ever really noticed it.
Although I have noticed the oneupparentship that goes on!!
Unless someone was being pointedly funny I would think that they probably didn't mean it that way.

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Re: AIBU to be annoyed at how others give support?

Post  Mrs Big Boobs on Wed May 06, 2009 10:49 pm

It would depend on the post I suppose.

I think I am guilty of posting things like that but then may have drawn on friend's experiences or something I have read.

I will try not to do it again....

The oneupmanship annoys me too.....how many words can your 4 week old say??? answer? he can say all the words in a dictionary. People don't need to hear it!
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Re: AIBU to be annoyed at how others give support?

Post  Cadiva on Wed May 06, 2009 10:52 pm

Moomin76 wrote:This has bugged me for years, but I don't know if it's just me....... I regularly see people responding to their fellow forum members by starting "I've no advice on this because I've never experienced it, but......" Am I the only one who sees that statement and think it's like rubbing the op's nose in it? I know that is not the intention, but I just can't help feeling that it's as good as saying "I'm so lucky that I've never had to suffer that". AIBU to think it's insensitive?

Urm possibly a bit yes because I doubt in the majority of cases it's been written from that point of view. I think most people who write from that standpoint are probably saying I wish I could help but we haven't had a problem, however have you tried this, that or the other.

What happens if no-one's experienced the issue facing the OP? Should everyone just ignore it or should they do what most people try to do, which is wade in with some sympathy and support and perhaps some advice as well?

I do, however, agree with the one upmanship, that's just crappy behaviour.
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Re: AIBU to be annoyed at how others give support?

Post  phoenix on Wed May 06, 2009 10:54 pm

I think you may be a tad unreasonable...

A lot of people may never have been in a specific situation and so may not have any experience or knowledge to share but still want to offer their support. For all the types of things I see on forums, tactlessness when offering support is the least of the issues!

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Re: AIBU to be annoyed at how others give support?

Post  3for3 on Thu May 07, 2009 12:00 am

I wonder if those people saying that do so because they are giving suggestions not based on experience but empathy or just plain old ideas from imagination ...avoiding the comment of 'how do you know if you haven't been there yourself' type thing by saying up front they haven't direct experience. I've never read one of those posts and thought they were being rude or tactless as it always seemed more to me like 'i'll do my best to answer but i don't have direct experience to draw on so not sure how valuable my suggestions will be'

So i do think maybe you'e being a little unreasonable to read it as if they are being tactless as there are many reasons someone might write that up front and some of them really genuine, supportive, kind and helpful.
If it is anything to do with oneupmanship then that sucks and I just don't get it. I'll happily share stories about my kids in threads about kids but really do think if someone is proud and wants to share that should be supported not competed with...we all know our own kids are the bestest in the whole wide world and also how nice it is to have a moment of proudness shared with other parents who know that feeling and let you wallow in it for a while wink
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Re: AIBU to be annoyed at how others give support?

Post  mad_hatter252 on Thu May 07, 2009 10:27 pm

Oh God I never realised it was interpreted like that! Sorry as i am one of the offenders most likely! Embarassed

I agree with Cadiva as when i use that it's always because i am trying to help but don't want them to take my advice as truth or whatever and i'm just offering advice based on what could be/ might help.

I hate the one up man ship with people i think it is definitely a mums thing. My sons Kindergarten is really like that < is that annoying as i've brought my own child into it?! HELP I'm confused now!!!

I suspect YABabitU as i don't see in in that way
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Re: AIBU to be annoyed at how others give support?

Post  Smartiepants on Fri May 08, 2009 12:18 am

YABU. I write posts like that with the meaning that I actually give a damn, no-one else has replied so I wanted to make the poster feel like someone cared, which I did(usually!). If 47 other people had replied with useful advice I wouldn't reply.
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Re: AIBU to be annoyed at how others give support?

Post  Jeliwobble on Fri May 08, 2009 1:06 am

Moomin76 wrote:This has bugged me for years, but I don't know if it's just me....... I regularly see people responding to their fellow forum members by starting "I've no advice on this because I've never experienced it, but......"

I think YABU. I'm like Smartiepants, in that even if I have no experience personally, I can often relate a story that might be helpful that happened to an aquaintance, do a Google and point someone in the right direction or just offer *hugs*, which I know are not always welcome, but I do feel are sometimes called for.

What I get a little peeved about is when people don't appreciate what you've tried to do and completely ignore you or, worse, chew you out for it.

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Re: AIBU to be annoyed at how others give support?

Post  Moomin76 on Fri May 08, 2009 10:40 pm

Jeliwobble wrote:...even if I have no experience personally, I can often relate a story that might be helpful that happened to an aquaintance, do a Google and point someone in the right direction or just offer *hugs*, which I know are not always welcome, but I do feel are sometimes called for.

That's exactly what I mean though Jo - you can offer sympathy, support or even just hugs, without saying that it's not something you've ever experienced. I just don't get why that needs to be said? Why not just say "I'm so sorry, we're all here if you need us", rather than emphasising that the poster is alone in having gone through it?
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Re: AIBU to be annoyed at how others give support?

Post  Jeliwobble on Fri May 08, 2009 10:51 pm

Ah. I see. OK, I will change my OP to say that YB a little BU! I can see what you're getting at but at the same time I think why people preface their hugs or what have you with 'haven't experienced that' is because they want to say why they aren't giving more support. eg the OP has said that her dog got run over and broke its back. I haven't got a dog but I can say, I'm really sorry about that. It hasn't happened to me personally as I don't have a dog, but my aunt's dog got run over, broke her back and recovered pretty well. I hope that happens for you! It's all about telling a story and I think the OP would probably understand why I had to make the qualification of not having the personal experience, because I might not have all the information about my aunt's dog's recovery, so she couldn't quiz me on it iyswim. I am feeling for her and offering hope but at the same time I am saying that it's not personal so I can't support you by answering all your questions about it.

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Re: AIBU to be annoyed at how others give support?

Post  dirtyqwerty on Tue May 12, 2009 3:37 pm

Yabu!

I totally get why peple say it, and I think it is meant to be respectful and also humble. Not smug about not having been in that situation, just putting your own advice and support in its proper context - the advice and support of someone who might be able to imagine, up to a point, what you are going through, but who hasn't lived it, and so is being careful not to make big claims for her advice.

What annoys me is when people with no experience post very authoritatively and without any hint at all that they're talking through their bum!!

Clearly if you're just offering a hug then you don't ned to say anything. But if you did it wouldn't be rude.

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